A recent revelation/personal belief: There is no such thing as a "healthy addiction."
Any addiction is going to have a stronghold on you, controlling and consuming you, causing you to focus more on yourself than the world and those around you. That has been my life. Exercise, food, my weight, my body, my health… It's all had me swallowed up in the belly of a whale far from shore, disabling me from seeing all the love reaching out to me, all the doors of opportunities opening in front of me, and all the fun available to me. At times I realized all of this. But the fear that had been deeply planted in my heart since childhood kept me in bondage, creating a false sense of security. That's another good definition of a healthy addiction - a false sense of security. And it's a lie. Nothing and no one, other than Jesus Christ Himself, can truly protect us. And when we surrender to this Truth - to this unbelievably wonderful Love - we find true freedom.
So, it was November 7th, and I went to my weekly therapy session. My therapist, Tom, asked me how life's been treating me lately. I said, "Oh fine… Nothing's new. Nothing's changed. I still feel stuck." And he replied, "Emily, nothing will change until you learn to surrender." And I backlashed, saying, "What the heck does that even mean??? What does that even look like???" And he said, "Stop exercising. Let your body rest." I was like, "No way! Exercise is healthy! We need to exercise! Besides, that's not my problem." And I left, 30 minutes early, pissed off at his ridiculous suggestion.
When I walked into my apartment a few minutes later, I did something that I've never done before. I turned off my alarm. Normally I would get up at 4:30 AM to either go for an 8 mile run, or go to the gym for a 45 minute hard-core weight-lifting session. I was desperately trying to control my weight, as well as my emotions. I found deep satisfaction in the physical and mental exhaustion, as well as the "high" after these runs and workouts. I welcomed the pain with delight. I believed that as long as I was controlling my body, I was accomplishing something - anything. Because being a mom, a friend, and a follower of Christ wasn't enough for me to love and accept myself.
So the next morning, November 8th, I slept until 6 AM and woke up with this incredible sense of peace. I did some stretches and then drove to a coffee shop for some time with my Bible and journal. I didn't feel an ounce of anxiety, and realized that I hadn't felt the absence of anxiety in, well, ever. It was eye-opening to me to realize that exercise actually caused me more anxiety than not. I had become so used to that tight feeling in my gut, that it was natural to me, and only noticeable when it was gone. I realized that I would experience anxiety before any run and workout, because I didn't know what I would do if I had to quit early due to over-whelming fatigue, or worse, an injury. So sitting there with my journal, thinking about all of this, it finally occurred to me that life would be better not being controlled by this addiction, even if it meant gaining weight.
So five months later, I have gained seven pounds naturally, by allowing my body to do what it wants, and I feel amazing. I have energy to go sledding with my six year old daughter, I haven't experienced any anxiety, my skin is looking better, I don't have dark circles under my eyes anymore, I can laugh more easily, I don't worry about getting to bed super early so that I can rise at 4:30 AM, I am still eating the same (which includes the occasional piece of cake or a few cookies), and I find complete satisfaction in outdoor walks and the occasional yoga class. I can honestly say that I don't miss running or lifting at all. I now know without a doubt that complete, true health begins and ends with a healthy mindset. Exercise and healthy eating will do us no good if we are miserable. And being controlled by anything or anyone will create misery, because we will lose sight of our true identity, as well as the loving relationships that are available to us.
I hope that this post will help at least one person out there who finds him or herself controlled by an addiction. And I don't claim to say that's it's easy to just let go of anything that we have found comfort in for years. That actually isn't even possible - at least not in the long term. To fully let go and surrender any addiction, it takes a Savior - a Savior's Strength. Luke 1:37 says, "For nothing is impossible with God."
Any addiction is going to have a stronghold on you, controlling and consuming you, causing you to focus more on yourself than the world and those around you. That has been my life. Exercise, food, my weight, my body, my health… It's all had me swallowed up in the belly of a whale far from shore, disabling me from seeing all the love reaching out to me, all the doors of opportunities opening in front of me, and all the fun available to me. At times I realized all of this. But the fear that had been deeply planted in my heart since childhood kept me in bondage, creating a false sense of security. That's another good definition of a healthy addiction - a false sense of security. And it's a lie. Nothing and no one, other than Jesus Christ Himself, can truly protect us. And when we surrender to this Truth - to this unbelievably wonderful Love - we find true freedom.
So, it was November 7th, and I went to my weekly therapy session. My therapist, Tom, asked me how life's been treating me lately. I said, "Oh fine… Nothing's new. Nothing's changed. I still feel stuck." And he replied, "Emily, nothing will change until you learn to surrender." And I backlashed, saying, "What the heck does that even mean??? What does that even look like???" And he said, "Stop exercising. Let your body rest." I was like, "No way! Exercise is healthy! We need to exercise! Besides, that's not my problem." And I left, 30 minutes early, pissed off at his ridiculous suggestion.
When I walked into my apartment a few minutes later, I did something that I've never done before. I turned off my alarm. Normally I would get up at 4:30 AM to either go for an 8 mile run, or go to the gym for a 45 minute hard-core weight-lifting session. I was desperately trying to control my weight, as well as my emotions. I found deep satisfaction in the physical and mental exhaustion, as well as the "high" after these runs and workouts. I welcomed the pain with delight. I believed that as long as I was controlling my body, I was accomplishing something - anything. Because being a mom, a friend, and a follower of Christ wasn't enough for me to love and accept myself.
So the next morning, November 8th, I slept until 6 AM and woke up with this incredible sense of peace. I did some stretches and then drove to a coffee shop for some time with my Bible and journal. I didn't feel an ounce of anxiety, and realized that I hadn't felt the absence of anxiety in, well, ever. It was eye-opening to me to realize that exercise actually caused me more anxiety than not. I had become so used to that tight feeling in my gut, that it was natural to me, and only noticeable when it was gone. I realized that I would experience anxiety before any run and workout, because I didn't know what I would do if I had to quit early due to over-whelming fatigue, or worse, an injury. So sitting there with my journal, thinking about all of this, it finally occurred to me that life would be better not being controlled by this addiction, even if it meant gaining weight.
So five months later, I have gained seven pounds naturally, by allowing my body to do what it wants, and I feel amazing. I have energy to go sledding with my six year old daughter, I haven't experienced any anxiety, my skin is looking better, I don't have dark circles under my eyes anymore, I can laugh more easily, I don't worry about getting to bed super early so that I can rise at 4:30 AM, I am still eating the same (which includes the occasional piece of cake or a few cookies), and I find complete satisfaction in outdoor walks and the occasional yoga class. I can honestly say that I don't miss running or lifting at all. I now know without a doubt that complete, true health begins and ends with a healthy mindset. Exercise and healthy eating will do us no good if we are miserable. And being controlled by anything or anyone will create misery, because we will lose sight of our true identity, as well as the loving relationships that are available to us.
I hope that this post will help at least one person out there who finds him or herself controlled by an addiction. And I don't claim to say that's it's easy to just let go of anything that we have found comfort in for years. That actually isn't even possible - at least not in the long term. To fully let go and surrender any addiction, it takes a Savior - a Savior's Strength. Luke 1:37 says, "For nothing is impossible with God."