dis·or·der [dis-awr-der]
noun
1.
lack of order or regular arrangement; confusion
2.
an irregularity
3.
breach of order; disorderly conduct; public disturbance.
4.
a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction
MY LIFE OF DISORDER
Since I was about 10 years old, all of my medical records have been scribbled or typed with two “disorder” diagnosis – an eating one and an obsessive compulsive one. So, according to the definition above, one could say that my brain has suffered a lack of arrangement / an irregularity / a disturbance… That being said, growing up, I pretty much adopted the identity of a girl with an “ED” and “OCD.” No, I did not get handed the title of a dancer, or of a singer, or of an artist, or of a soccer player… Doctors, family and I knew Emily as a mentally disturbed girl.
ED crept into my life gradually. First, he convinced me that in order to stay safe and secure, I had to stay small. So I stopped eating for a little while in 6th grade (preventing me from ever entering puberty). Then, he convinced me that I could eat a little bit and still stay small, as long as it was food with no fat or protein. So throughout high school I pretty much ate nothing but jelly beans, twizzlers, microwave popcorn and fat free frozen yogurt. (It’s a true miracle that I didn’t develop diabetes.)
When I moved to Colorado to go to college, he introduced me to the health food markets and told me that as long as the food was organic and low-fat, I could eat it, and yes, still stay small. (But I was also instructed to squeeze some marathons into my diet regimen.) So, I started eating nothing but organic apples, organic cereal with soymilk, tofu, broccoli with salsa, and organic frozen entrees. And after a long run (12 or more miles), I was allowed a vegan brownie.
And all this time (beginning around age 10), ED also convinced me that I could only stay safe, protected and small if I also stayed clean. Therefore, I began the obsessive habit of washing my hands, surfaces, dish and silver ware, clothing, blankets, etc, as well as avoiding human contact. He told me that you never know what’s lingering on a surface (a hand, a cheek, a table, a coffee lid, a shirt, etc.), and that it could in some way harm me (or worse, make me fat), so it would be best to play it safe and wash EVERYTHING that could come in contact with my mouth and/or insides, and try not to touch much, including people.
Fast forward to today. My identity is a beloved daughter of the God Most High, a princess of Jesus Christ my Savior; my occupation/ passion is working as a Certified Health Coach; and I am a super proud mommy of an amazing little girl!
However, I am still in the process of healing my body and my mind through a clean, home-cooked, high-fat, high-protein diet; appropriate nutritional supplements; some walking and weight lifting; occasional yoga and the occasional short run; weekly therapy; daily quiet times; and church. I try to have grace for myself and remind myself that perfection is not the goal. But I have to be honest, I still struggle. I find it difficult to eat out of my comfort zone, and I still wash my hands way more than necessary. I hate to sit at tables that have crumbs on the surface. So yes, I still have my “quirks.” But I realized that I couldn’t put off my dreams (such as being a Health Coach) until I became “completely healed.” Because honestly, I don’t believe that complete healing of everything can come until we’ve left this earth. No one will be totally free of every single one of his or her personal struggles while still lingering around as a human being. But that’s also no excuse not to try. Life literally is a journey. It’s a learning experience. And it’s challenging. But it can also be a blast, if we can lighten up on ourselves a bit and laugh at our quirks rather than complain about them and/or stuff them, and then go into isolation.
I have shared this very short glimpse of the “disorders” I have faced with you, because I believe that we all owe it to one another to be open and honest about our personal struggles - our “disorders” in life - if we really want to reach out and help one another, support one another, and break the cycles of shame and/or isolation. We all have icky stuff that we’ve dealt with or are dealing with, and if we keep our ickiness as secrets, they turn into demons. And who wants to carry around a demon or two (or more) on their backs??? Not me. I am done being ashamed of the things that I have struggled with. I am done believing lies about myself such as: I am unworthy; I am pathetic; I am a mess; I am hopeless; I am weird; etc. No, I am none of these things. And neither are you! No matter what you have struggled with, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Your identity is not what your “disorder” or diagnosis has told you it is. I’m pretty sure that you are way more special than you have believed. I’m so glad that I’ve come to realize that about myself!
noun
1.
lack of order or regular arrangement; confusion
2.
an irregularity
3.
breach of order; disorderly conduct; public disturbance.
4.
a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction
MY LIFE OF DISORDER
Since I was about 10 years old, all of my medical records have been scribbled or typed with two “disorder” diagnosis – an eating one and an obsessive compulsive one. So, according to the definition above, one could say that my brain has suffered a lack of arrangement / an irregularity / a disturbance… That being said, growing up, I pretty much adopted the identity of a girl with an “ED” and “OCD.” No, I did not get handed the title of a dancer, or of a singer, or of an artist, or of a soccer player… Doctors, family and I knew Emily as a mentally disturbed girl.
ED crept into my life gradually. First, he convinced me that in order to stay safe and secure, I had to stay small. So I stopped eating for a little while in 6th grade (preventing me from ever entering puberty). Then, he convinced me that I could eat a little bit and still stay small, as long as it was food with no fat or protein. So throughout high school I pretty much ate nothing but jelly beans, twizzlers, microwave popcorn and fat free frozen yogurt. (It’s a true miracle that I didn’t develop diabetes.)
When I moved to Colorado to go to college, he introduced me to the health food markets and told me that as long as the food was organic and low-fat, I could eat it, and yes, still stay small. (But I was also instructed to squeeze some marathons into my diet regimen.) So, I started eating nothing but organic apples, organic cereal with soymilk, tofu, broccoli with salsa, and organic frozen entrees. And after a long run (12 or more miles), I was allowed a vegan brownie.
And all this time (beginning around age 10), ED also convinced me that I could only stay safe, protected and small if I also stayed clean. Therefore, I began the obsessive habit of washing my hands, surfaces, dish and silver ware, clothing, blankets, etc, as well as avoiding human contact. He told me that you never know what’s lingering on a surface (a hand, a cheek, a table, a coffee lid, a shirt, etc.), and that it could in some way harm me (or worse, make me fat), so it would be best to play it safe and wash EVERYTHING that could come in contact with my mouth and/or insides, and try not to touch much, including people.
Fast forward to today. My identity is a beloved daughter of the God Most High, a princess of Jesus Christ my Savior; my occupation/ passion is working as a Certified Health Coach; and I am a super proud mommy of an amazing little girl!
However, I am still in the process of healing my body and my mind through a clean, home-cooked, high-fat, high-protein diet; appropriate nutritional supplements; some walking and weight lifting; occasional yoga and the occasional short run; weekly therapy; daily quiet times; and church. I try to have grace for myself and remind myself that perfection is not the goal. But I have to be honest, I still struggle. I find it difficult to eat out of my comfort zone, and I still wash my hands way more than necessary. I hate to sit at tables that have crumbs on the surface. So yes, I still have my “quirks.” But I realized that I couldn’t put off my dreams (such as being a Health Coach) until I became “completely healed.” Because honestly, I don’t believe that complete healing of everything can come until we’ve left this earth. No one will be totally free of every single one of his or her personal struggles while still lingering around as a human being. But that’s also no excuse not to try. Life literally is a journey. It’s a learning experience. And it’s challenging. But it can also be a blast, if we can lighten up on ourselves a bit and laugh at our quirks rather than complain about them and/or stuff them, and then go into isolation.
I have shared this very short glimpse of the “disorders” I have faced with you, because I believe that we all owe it to one another to be open and honest about our personal struggles - our “disorders” in life - if we really want to reach out and help one another, support one another, and break the cycles of shame and/or isolation. We all have icky stuff that we’ve dealt with or are dealing with, and if we keep our ickiness as secrets, they turn into demons. And who wants to carry around a demon or two (or more) on their backs??? Not me. I am done being ashamed of the things that I have struggled with. I am done believing lies about myself such as: I am unworthy; I am pathetic; I am a mess; I am hopeless; I am weird; etc. No, I am none of these things. And neither are you! No matter what you have struggled with, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Your identity is not what your “disorder” or diagnosis has told you it is. I’m pretty sure that you are way more special than you have believed. I’m so glad that I’ve come to realize that about myself!